As for his woman situation, the incel slowly polishes his rhetoric, but doesn’t try any major overhauls yet to his thought process. He can’t think of any reason a girl would go out with him, and every girl that he holds the light up against to inspect flaws he can’t overlook, most of which are not even their own fault but rather from compatibility with his personality or physical features.
But this idea of “compatibility” implies an ideal set of traits, or at the very least some rubric. The incel is not good at clearly defining what he looks for in a partner, but if he had to say, he would probably prioritize a perfect synergy of sense of humor and sense of self - seeking the absurdity in everyday life without taking too much personal offense, or wanting the best for themselves and putting active thought into their brand as a person without taking themselves too seriously. Two sisters he knows and their aloof, sarcastic, yet inviting tone of voice comes to mind and makes up the bulk of this image (whom to some extent leave ripples on who he is as a person). This ideal person should seek out wit in conversation and aim to make as many meaningful and perhaps unorthodox connections to other disciplines as possible. Being able to gauge the room and choosing to speak or not speak with multiple layers of meaning is a must. While he doesn’t think very highly of himself in general, this stand-up improv approach to everyday conversation feels the most correct to him and he is proud of himself for reaching this level of self-awareness. His roommate is another good example of this sharp tongue, never letting an opportunity pass to roast everyone and everything around her, including herself, yet keeping the door for others to contribute and play off of each other’s ideas. And foremost, this person should hate themselves just a wee bit - enough to create a contagious feedback loop of restlessness and self-improvment.
The incel realizes that this might sound like the female version of himself, but regardless, he feel like this is the only mental image he can subscribe to. Heck, this combination of traits might not even be possible in a partner; that is, datability and compatibility might not have any overlap at all in his current model of the world; he sees people around him all the time not quite get what they truly need from other people, as well as the strife that ensues.
This standstill is what the incel usually closes his trains of thought with - the idea that his personality as it stands is mutually and inevitably incompatible with the concept of dating and giving himself so openly to someone else. This absolute resignation to failure and immediate mental rejection of everyone around him has kept him from both greatness and embarrassment, for better or for worse. The terror stems from not knowing how to adjust his personality and perhaps not even wanting to give up the only act he has known for the his entire life, and there is no end in sight.
Does he necesarily need to be defined by his self-hatred and will he lose any of his edge in the process of replacing it? The answer is objectively and resoundingly “no,” but that doesn’t change how imprisoned he feels in this situation. The incel doesn’t think he is unlikable; he acknowledges that people keep him around for, say, his energy or the manner in which he chooses and delivers his words, but rather he feels he is unable to fulfill people’s expectations of what a date should be. He fits well into many roles - friend, coworker, brother, son, corporate slave, leader - but not into the one that matters the most evolutionarily speaking: lover.