When the incel tries to imagine himself in a relationship, he instinctively feels that he would be wasting their time and that sooner or later, they’d find fault with him and find someone else that can better satisfy their needs. Don’t get him wrong; he’s sure he could fulfill every other role in his life, but that’s just because in the case of friends, the relationship isn’t exclusive, and in the case of family, they’re stuck with him.
A part of the incel probably sabotages himself from imagining a happy relationship, to the point that he feels guilty for wanting a basic human desire. The guilt stems from not making an effort to change his situation and wanting to avoid counterproductive escapism. Another part of him wants to keep the bar low so that he doesn’t start resenting his life choices; ignorance is bliss. Yet another part of him feels like he is doing those around him a favor by not rocking the boat. This is the most disastrous train of thought, because in actuality, people couldn’t be damned whether or not he fights for his own desires, so the objectively safe choice is swallowing his feelings and working with what he happens to be dealt with. Anything outside of this has potential to put others in uncomfortable positions that could otherwise be avoided if it isn’t for a stranger’s (his own) selfishness for wanting to reach out.
Someone’s counterpoint might be that there is a potential outcome for a mutually beneficial partnership that wouldn’t have otherwise happened if he doesn’t take the initiative. You have to spend money to make money, as they say. But at the end of the day, if he doesn’t swoop in for the kill, someone else will, considering how many people are in this world. Every possible case of neurodivergence is covered given a large enough sample size, so this counterpoint ends up being a mere justification for selfish actions. The selfish ones are the ones that end up fulfilling themselves and propagating their seed; who would’ve thought?
The incel takes one good look at the people in his class and at work, and he gets stumped on the same question, “What does he have to offer someone of the opposite sex?” The argument he hears from his therapist constantly is that he has no way of knowing what people want in a partner. If that’s the case, he should reach out to people in order to gauge his potential, but he encounters a chicken and egg situation where he cannot convince himself to take the L and knock on strangers’ doors if he has no prior evidence of his strategies ever working. In contrast, he can gladly sell product at work, because by virtue of his employer staying in business, he know that success is inevitable and that someone will take the bait. Hell, sometimes, the people he least expect take the bait.
As cynical as it sounds, the incel chooses not to say the same about himself. As long as he doesn’t understand any reason someone would say yes, he is open to manipulation on behalf of someone noticing and using his primal instincts against him. He doesn’t trust himself to know what is good for him because he has no core set of values or track record to confer with.